After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
