Say something about gay babies.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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