I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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