You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
