My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
3pm strippers are depressing
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
