Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
