I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
