My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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