last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
