watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
