Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
