I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize