so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
