You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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