Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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