Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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