I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
