So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
