somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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