One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
