You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
