I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
