Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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