i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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