Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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