Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
