I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
