I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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