I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
