We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
