So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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