I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
