I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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