my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize