i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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