Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
