Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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