The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
