i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize