dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
