Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
