Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I touched a dick in church today
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
