The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
