sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
