I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
