yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
