i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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