At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
