even my farts smell like vagina
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
