it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
