cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
