I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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