why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
