yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
