note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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