I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize