my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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