If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
