hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
