I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
