I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just blew my weed a kiss
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She needs sedatives and a leash
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
