my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
