I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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