Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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