I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
