I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
