I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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