I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
