never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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