forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
