We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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