so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
