So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
