my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
