If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
