update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
